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Scapegoat. I guess thats my profession now

Well the crappiness of my life has come back. My so called "friend" Courtney stabbed me in the back and now again Jay is mad at me. The stupid bitch went and told a guy named Rich a bunch of things that both of the Jays told her and then when Rich confronted Jay she decided it would be a cool idea to blame it on me. Of course Rich went right along with that because he likes Courtney, but she likes Jay H., which is why she blamed me for it because she doesn't want to lose him, but now I've got Jay W. mad at me because he thinks I ran my mouth when I didn't. Its fucking bullshit, not only do I feel like I'm in high school again, but I'm damn sick of being a scapegoat for everyone. Its been this way for a long time. People just seem to love to scapegoat me. Back when I was using people loved to do it too. Got caught using a stolen credit card and can't go into Meijers anymore? Say instead you were with Christina and she got caught stealing. Get caught with needles in your car? Blame Christina. Why take the consequences for what you did when Christina is there to take them instead. Who cares that your parents will hate her for years and years to come, at least right now your mom won't yell at you. Who cares that Christina is going to lose one of the people she cares about most in the world. At least Jay will talk to you today. Who gives a shit that Christina didn't do a thing wrong, at least Courtney won't be mad at you. Of course you don't see the twisted logic that shes going to be happy that another guy isn't mad at her. Whatever who cares about Christina anyway?

WHAT THE FUCK???? I didn't do anything fucking wrong and now I am sitting here being upset while thatr stupid bitch sits with MY FRIENDS when she is the one who fucking did it. Now I get to feel like shit on Christmas and spend time alone again.

Whatever I'm too pissed right now.......

The black sheep awaits....

Christmas is getting closer and I still haven't gotten any gifts for the people I wanted to get gifts for. Its looking like the only way its going to happen is if I wait until after actual Christmas and buy the gifts with any gift cards or money that I might get. And I know it sounds selfish but I don't know if I want to do that. I mean I guess it all depends on how the whole Christmas thing winds up working out for me. If I wind up with a few gift cards or a decent amount of money, then sure I'll go buy something for Jay and maybe a couple other people, but if I get one gift card with a small amount on it or only a little cash, I'm going to have to spend it on myself. Its not as bad as it sounds. All year long I give people more than I should. Give people money I shouldn't be giving away. Hell when I was using heroin I wound up spending more money on other peoples dope than my own some days. I've always wanted to give to people and right now I rarely have any money to get myself anything that I want. I don't mean to sound like a asshole, but I deserve some stuff sometimes too. I'm sure I'm already going to see my cousins get loaded down with money like they do every years, one year more than $250 bucks, plus gifts, while people are still scared to give me money because I might spend it on drugs. Ugh. Plus SOME family members want to be total assholes and not give me anything even a damn card because they don't like me. They never really did before I was a dope addict after I turned into a demon where the only thing they like about me is to make me feel like shit about myself by giving me evil looks or telling me that talking about my methadone treatment isn't appropraite dinner table talk while thier own kid is talking about how certian foods make thier poop come out different, and were not talking about a 4 or 5 year old here, were talking about like a 15 year old kid. This is the same family member who a long, long time ago, but I can still remember (see the heroin didn't toast my memory) was the black sheep of the family who now thinks that thier shit doesn't stink. Maybe thats why thier kid can talk about it at the dinner table while I can't mention that I don't have to go to the methadone clinic tomorrow. Maybe its OK to talk about if it smells like roses. Being a evil demon child I wouldn't know what holier-than-thou's peoples shit smells like though. But in all honesty its pretty shitty to feel uncomfortable at your own family christmas party and then I've got my dad telling me that "certain people" said that I don't join in the holiday celebrations enough. I'd be willing to bet money that its the same family member who makes me feel like an interuder when I do try to participate. You can't have it both ways. Maybe they just want to watch me squirm. Watch me crash and burn. "Bwahahaha!!! Look at how shes TRYING to fit in. I made a point to make sure I told her dad that she needed to do this so I could make her feel like shit. Its how I have fun while I'm not kicking puppies!!! If only there was a puppy here I could kick WHILE I was doing this then I'd be happier than a pig in flower smelling shit." Yeah. Somehow I'm not excited about it. Well I will just talk to people who aren't talking to them. I can't be a rude asshole like them because then they'd point out to my dad that I'm being rude, but yeah, I can be sneaky. I learned a couple things while I was being a junkie shit. My dad knows exactly what I'm talking about when I tell him that I feel like certain people don't want me around and it pisses him off too, but hes not going to say anything because he just wants the nightmare to be over. As do I. What I just CANNOT understand is why on each side of my family I have a family member who can't seem to forgive me, even though I didn't do anything directly to them, and not only that but they are far from perfect. Especially the one on my moms side. Wait? Didn't your kid GO TO PRISON? Not that going to prison makes you a bad person, alot of my friends have been to prison, but come the fuck on, it does mean that you've made some mistakes and hating on me because of my mistake while treating your own kid like they never did doesn't make any sense. Didn't he get arrested for heroin possession too? Yeah he did. But as we've already mentioned I'm evil. He just made mistakes and of course they weren't his fault. I'm not trying to say he doesn't deserve forgiveness. I'm saying be BOTH do.  But it looks as if for awhile I'm gonna be the screw-up. Until someone else messes up. Or someone elses skeletons come crashoing out of thier hiding places. Of course I imagine that instead of them going to the black sheep side and me coming back, they'll just throw out another trough and send them over. But the black sheep side is waiting. It sounds evil and bad but its only a matter of time until someone else screws up, or does something that they don't like. 26 years of watching the family proves this. I'm not the first black sheep and statistics say I won't be the last. But I might just be the only black sheep that keeps coming around despite thier status alot of them just go away until they work thier way back to a nice shiny coat. Evetually someones gonna join me though. I'm waiting.....

A update for the sake of updating

Now that I have a couple of blogs, I can't think of anything cool to blog about. I almost always have some kind of smart-ass commentary to give about something, but now that I have a place to put it: Nothing. I've tried to think of things, but I just can't. I need to start making lists, because as usual when I think of a good idea I'm not at my computer. Just like when I think about how I need to buy something at the store when I'm home but don't remember when I go to the store or when I remember something I need to do at home while I am out. I already carry a little note book around with me for when I need to write things down, so now I just need to use that notebook for my ideas for my blogs. I also kind of don't want to write anything cool when no one is going to read it so I need to figure out how to get more people (anyone) reading my blogs. I as usual also want to figure out how to make them look cooler. I need to get some cool stuff on them. Like adding some pictures and stuff. I always say I'm going to work on that stuff but never do. I guess its because I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to do with them.

I can't believe that this year is almost over. I always hope that the next year is going to be better than the year that is getting over and this year is no different. I hope to make this coming year a good one. By making things that I really want to happen, happen. Yes this is the time. I'm going to do all of those things. Yay me!

Well I need a nap soon......more stuff later....

Should have just stuck with my first impression.....

Its never a good idea to start hanging out with a person who at one point in time has thier sister, who is 3 times your size, punch you in the face for making a harmless comment. Its a bad idea because eventually something is going to happen that makes that person mad at you and then you have to worry that you are going to get another very hard punch to the side of your face causing you to fly across the parking lot of the Kroger store. Yes, this is the fate that more than likley awaits me within the next few days at the clinic, not to mention the progress I just made with Jason not being mad at me was probably destroyed by another person involved in thier whole circus. And I didn't do anything wrong, but as evidenced last time I got punched in the face, that doesn't mean a damn thing. Its hardly my fault that Jay H. and this guy Rich are feuding over a girl who up until today was my friend, but now because some people have big fucking mouths and other people have to make it seem like I said more than I already did, I am going to be the one who winds up paying for the whole thing. I just have this sinking feeling that tomorrow I am going to go to the clinic to find out the girl made up a bunch of bullshit to get Jason mad at me again and there will be a crazed bitch in the parking lot ready to punch me in the face again. I'm so, so excited. Woo. Hoo.

I'm depressed. I am so tired of being a screw up that ruins things for me and everyone else. As per usual I won't be getting many (if any) gifts from my dad for Christmas. Its depressing because the reason for this is that I am a major screw-up. My dad has had to pay money for me all year, for bailing me out of jail in April and giving me money to survive, not to mention the money I stole when I went into my Xanax inducded black-out. I've been off heroin, for, this will be the 3rd X-mas I celebrate clean from heroin and I'm still a mess up. Of course I'm not as bad as I was back then. I'm making progress. The only time I really mess up is where Xanax is involved and now because of everything that happened last time I got in trouble with it I am trying very hard to stay away from it. I made Jason very, very mad at me and I just got him talking to me again, but I don't really know if things will get good again. I've only seen him twice since then, the first time it was all good but the second he was very closed off, but he wa acting that way towards everyone so who knows. I'm also really worried about how Adam is acting. A few weeks ago he was calling me all the time and saying how much he loved me, now he isn't. I won't be able to stand if I lose my best friend and my love. Those two are the most important people in my life and it hurts to think I might lose one or both of them. I need to fight to keep them. Jason is the one I'm really worried about. I won't get into why I am really worried, it just that I am scared that hes going to go out for his birthday (today) and find someone who is better than me and start liking and then dating her and then I won't have him anymore. If I hadn't been such a fucking asshole I would be hanging out with him for his birthday, but then I messed up and we are hardly talking. And I am upset about Adam and I need to make that better too and I'm not sure how and everything in my head is turning into a big huge mush of worry and I hate that. Hate. Well I shall go now. Eat some food and later tonight try to make this blog look better and whatnot. I still need to figure out how to get my gadgets to show up. The "about me" won't show up and its pissing me off. Well I need to go look at that. Bye

Work needed on this

*shudder* Everytime I hear this song it reminds me of being in jail. Its the song "Notorious B.I.G." by well, B.I.G. Its a good enough song, but I don't like that it reminds me of being in jail, but I will never, ever be back in OCJ, because I will never commit another crime in Oakland County. Although I do want to sue them for the damage they caused last time I was in there. I'm not really up for typing up the whole story, just leave it at knowing that I really do have a reason to want to go after them. Its not just a whiny thing that everyone says in jail. They caused me a real-life medical problem, one that never would have happened if they had done the things that they were supposed to do. But I'm not in the mood to talk about that right now.....

In fact I'm not in the mood to really even write a post. Yeah. I'll leave it at this pointless post for now and make sure I come back tomorrow to work on this blog and the other ones. I need to sit down and write out my first few "things junkies like" posts before I post them. I need to work on the list because I don't have as many as I should. I have no idea how I am going to come up with a whole ton of them. I'm going to have to really strech my imagination on that one, but I'm good at coming up with stuff like that. I hope that eventually I  make my blogs actually look good and I get some people following them and reading them. I'll need to learn how to make them look better than they do now for that, but I'll shoot for a goal of have them up and going well by my birthday that gives me about a month and a half.

Speaking of birthdays I need to hit up a store with a quickness because Jason's birthday is 4 days away, or 5, but today is almost over, so 4. And today we started speaking again so I really need to go buy him the DVD I was planning on getting him, I need to find a place that sells the DVD "Big Money Rustlas" cheap. I'm finding it at most stores for 14.99, and I don't think I'm going to find a used copy within 4 days so it's looking like I'll pay 14.99 for it. Now I need to get my dad to give me the money for it. Ugh....

Remembery Songs

I have a love/hate relationship with Memory Songs. In case you don't know memory songs are songs that remind you of a certain event or person in your life. In general the memory songs that remind me of events in my life are the good ones and the ones that remind me of people are bad ones. To me some songs are like smells are to some people, I can hear them and close my eyes and almost feel like I am back at the place where I made the memory connected to the memory song. I generally don't close my eyes on the ones that remind me of people, I'll wind up seeing the person it reminds me and I'll get angry or sad or some some kind of angry/sad combo pack. There are some people who have a whole remembery band or artist connected with them like my High School boyfriend John and Areosmith or my Jason and I.C.P. , although even those two have certain songs by those bands that are the most commonly thought of when I think of them. I hate it when I song I really like becomes a bad rememebery song, like the song Teardrop by Massive Attack, which is also the theme song to House, but today I actually listened to it all the way through while getting ready for the clinic, so I am going to TRY to make that my memory for that song now. I try that sometimes, to make a new memory for a song when it has a bad memory attached to it, if I can get through the song without getting too upset. I wonder sometimes though why certain memories stick so well in my head. Some memory songs are for things that make total sense to remember, like that the song The Joker by Steve Miller was the song that a big group of us sang one time when I was in Sacred Heart. Other times I'm not so sure why it sticks in my head so well, like the song Take a Picture by Filer and driving in the snow to buy a Christmas Ornament shaped like a cat. Why do I remember that at all, let alone the fact that I heard that song on my way? Some things are just strange like that I guess.

Chasin' all the field mice and bumpin' on the head

Oh No. We have mice and we thought we plugged the hole yesterday. I just went into the kitchen and saw more than on (4) trying to get into the plugged hole. They all scartted and scared the shit out of me because I didn't expect any, or that many, I'd only seen one before. They ran under the fridge and into my living room and under the couch. I want to take my mouse whackin stick (yes I have one, its a long broom handle) and run it under the couch but I'm scared they'll run towards me. That will freak me out. Ickky Poo.

More Crap about Steener

Well. This is it. The Steener News Network. You just KNOW you've been waiting for it almost your whole life. Or not. But either way, this is my new blog. I'm working on at least 2 other blogs. One of them being my blog for random crap I want to say/show people and the other one a take off on the coolest website I've found in awhile. It'll be called "Stuff Junkies Like" I've only thought of about 3 things, which is odd, but if you can think of any tell me. I already have: 24 hour pharmacies, Chocolate, Purses/bags w/removealbe straps and Stores with lax retun policies. So gimmie a yell if you think of any other ones. Cool.