The black sheep awaits....

Christmas is getting closer and I still haven't gotten any gifts for the people I wanted to get gifts for. Its looking like the only way its going to happen is if I wait until after actual Christmas and buy the gifts with any gift cards or money that I might get. And I know it sounds selfish but I don't know if I want to do that. I mean I guess it all depends on how the whole Christmas thing winds up working out for me. If I wind up with a few gift cards or a decent amount of money, then sure I'll go buy something for Jay and maybe a couple other people, but if I get one gift card with a small amount on it or only a little cash, I'm going to have to spend it on myself. Its not as bad as it sounds. All year long I give people more than I should. Give people money I shouldn't be giving away. Hell when I was using heroin I wound up spending more money on other peoples dope than my own some days. I've always wanted to give to people and right now I rarely have any money to get myself anything that I want. I don't mean to sound like a asshole, but I deserve some stuff sometimes too. I'm sure I'm already going to see my cousins get loaded down with money like they do every years, one year more than $250 bucks, plus gifts, while people are still scared to give me money because I might spend it on drugs. Ugh. Plus SOME family members want to be total assholes and not give me anything even a damn card because they don't like me. They never really did before I was a dope addict after I turned into a demon where the only thing they like about me is to make me feel like shit about myself by giving me evil looks or telling me that talking about my methadone treatment isn't appropraite dinner table talk while thier own kid is talking about how certian foods make thier poop come out different, and were not talking about a 4 or 5 year old here, were talking about like a 15 year old kid. This is the same family member who a long, long time ago, but I can still remember (see the heroin didn't toast my memory) was the black sheep of the family who now thinks that thier shit doesn't stink. Maybe thats why thier kid can talk about it at the dinner table while I can't mention that I don't have to go to the methadone clinic tomorrow. Maybe its OK to talk about if it smells like roses. Being a evil demon child I wouldn't know what holier-than-thou's peoples shit smells like though. But in all honesty its pretty shitty to feel uncomfortable at your own family christmas party and then I've got my dad telling me that "certain people" said that I don't join in the holiday celebrations enough. I'd be willing to bet money that its the same family member who makes me feel like an interuder when I do try to participate. You can't have it both ways. Maybe they just want to watch me squirm. Watch me crash and burn. "Bwahahaha!!! Look at how shes TRYING to fit in. I made a point to make sure I told her dad that she needed to do this so I could make her feel like shit. Its how I have fun while I'm not kicking puppies!!! If only there was a puppy here I could kick WHILE I was doing this then I'd be happier than a pig in flower smelling shit." Yeah. Somehow I'm not excited about it. Well I will just talk to people who aren't talking to them. I can't be a rude asshole like them because then they'd point out to my dad that I'm being rude, but yeah, I can be sneaky. I learned a couple things while I was being a junkie shit. My dad knows exactly what I'm talking about when I tell him that I feel like certain people don't want me around and it pisses him off too, but hes not going to say anything because he just wants the nightmare to be over. As do I. What I just CANNOT understand is why on each side of my family I have a family member who can't seem to forgive me, even though I didn't do anything directly to them, and not only that but they are far from perfect. Especially the one on my moms side. Wait? Didn't your kid GO TO PRISON? Not that going to prison makes you a bad person, alot of my friends have been to prison, but come the fuck on, it does mean that you've made some mistakes and hating on me because of my mistake while treating your own kid like they never did doesn't make any sense. Didn't he get arrested for heroin possession too? Yeah he did. But as we've already mentioned I'm evil. He just made mistakes and of course they weren't his fault. I'm not trying to say he doesn't deserve forgiveness. I'm saying be BOTH do.  But it looks as if for awhile I'm gonna be the screw-up. Until someone else messes up. Or someone elses skeletons come crashoing out of thier hiding places. Of course I imagine that instead of them going to the black sheep side and me coming back, they'll just throw out another trough and send them over. But the black sheep side is waiting. It sounds evil and bad but its only a matter of time until someone else screws up, or does something that they don't like. 26 years of watching the family proves this. I'm not the first black sheep and statistics say I won't be the last. But I might just be the only black sheep that keeps coming around despite thier status alot of them just go away until they work thier way back to a nice shiny coat. Evetually someones gonna join me though. I'm waiting.....