Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I'm depressed. I am so tired of being a screw up that ruins things for me and everyone else. As per usual I won't be getting many (if any) gifts from my dad for Christmas. Its depressing because the reason for this is that I am a major screw-up. My dad has had to pay money for me all year, for bailing me out of jail in April and giving me money to survive, not to mention the money I stole when I went into my Xanax inducded black-out. I've been off heroin, for, this will be the 3rd X-mas I celebrate clean from heroin and I'm still a mess up. Of course I'm not as bad as I was back then. I'm making progress. The only time I really mess up is where Xanax is involved and now because of everything that happened last time I got in trouble with it I am trying very hard to stay away from it. I made Jason very, very mad at me and I just got him talking to me again, but I don't really know if things will get good again. I've only seen him twice since then, the first time it was all good but the second he was very closed off, but he wa acting that way towards everyone so who knows. I'm also really worried about how Adam is acting. A few weeks ago he was calling me all the time and saying how much he loved me, now he isn't. I won't be able to stand if I lose my best friend and my love. Those two are the most important people in my life and it hurts to think I might lose one or both of them. I need to fight to keep them. Jason is the one I'm really worried about. I won't get into why I am really worried, it just that I am scared that hes going to go out for his birthday (today) and find someone who is better than me and start liking and then dating her and then I won't have him anymore. If I hadn't been such a fucking asshole I would be hanging out with him for his birthday, but then I messed up and we are hardly talking. And I am upset about Adam and I need to make that better too and I'm not sure how and everything in my head is turning into a big huge mush of worry and I hate that. Hate. Well I shall go now. Eat some food and later tonight try to make this blog look better and whatnot. I still need to figure out how to get my gadgets to show up. The "about me" won't show up and its pissing me off. Well I need to go look at that. Bye

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